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Grandma at the Party

My cousin got married last night. She is the first among my generation to get married, so this is the first time in over a decade that this branch of the family has been all in one place. Right now many of the people I care most about are recovering in the next room. The ceremony was beautiful, the food was wonderful, and a 10PM noise ordinance means we will talk forever about the cops shuting down the DJ at the reception.

So here is my advice:

Love your family. You don’t always have to like them, but love them when you can.

Don’t stress the small stuff – it isn’t a real party till the cops show up. (Or someone stomps off in a huff.)

Travel – many of the guests (myself included) traveled 12+ hours to this party and not one person regrets a moment of it.

Live in the moment – Grandma can’t remember anything that happened 5 seconds ago, but she spent hours last night in her chair at the party watching everything. She had no idea what was happening or who was getting married but she was thrilled to be at the party.

That said, I hope you all have a chance to be as happy as I am right now. I have my family around me, beautiful vistas of the mountains of Tuscon outside the windows, and nothing to do but bask in the post-wedding serenity until my 7AM flight tomorrow.

Quality Time with My Grandparents: An Audiotape to Remember

This was a day I won’t forget. I won’t let myself forget it. Here is how quality time with my grandparents unfolded one afternoon.

I was in college at the time and assigned a project to record the childhood of someone important to me. I chose my grandma, who I knew had grown up amidst a large family in Worthing, a town in England.

I figured the best way for me to capture her childhood experiences would be to go to my grandparent’s condo, which was within walking distance from where I lived at the time, and audiotape her. That way I would be able to play back her words and form a cohesive written essay for school.

What happened next was amazing. Quality time with my grandparents that day came in two different forms. First, there was the joy of hearing my grandma talk about her seaside adventures with her siblings as a girl, her time volunteering and her love of poetry. Seeing her smile as she recounted the fond memories is something I will always treasure.

The second happening was unplanned and exquisite. As my grandma talked about her childhood, my granddad came into the living room, where we held the recording session. He sat down in his armchair and quipped in with statements of his own about how he later met my grandma at a social dance. The way he looked at her, as he told me of how they met, while I caught his words on tape, was so loving, and it touched me deeply.

I recall how granddad then tried to pester my grandma and me, during our conversation, just to make us laugh – which he was well known for doing! He asked us when we would be done and joked about being a part of the recording. We all laughed, and I felt like we were closer than ever from that day forward.

That day with my grandparents meant much more to me than completing a written essay for a college course. It was about creating new memories with my grandparents that I will always treasure. I don’t have the cassette tape anymore because the tape inside of it got damaged. My grandparents have since passed away, and I miss them very much. I treasure my memory of that day and replay it in my mind with a love for my grandparents that will never diminish.

Want to remember more stuff?

Sometimes, we cannot recall things which we want to recall, and we cannot see a full picture due to missing details.

We are afraid to make a decision since we don’t know the outcome, and all this leads to mistakes that we prefer to avoid.

It would be great if our memory was like a hard drive, so we could store and recall anything any time, and if we could correlate all events from the past and see all connections.

This way, we could make no mistakes and precisely forecast the future.

But… our memory is not a hard drive, thus, it cannot work that way.

However, there is something that we can do to improve this:

– When you are preparing to sleep, lying in the bed, try to recall all events of the past day, exactly in the order as they happened, with all details. – If you are finished and still awake – try previous day, and so on. – Next morning, after waking up, briefly recall previous day.

In the end, you will feel the boost. Your memory will improve, you will begin to see the future, you will intuitively avoid mistakes.

But please, be patient – it could take days, weeks or even months, this is very individual, so don’t panic if nothing happens quickly – eventually, it will – or money back 🙂

Just be persistent.

Choosing

This month marks the seventh anniversary of finding out I had multiple sclerosis.  I was stunned.  Irrationally, I was certain that I had already been through enough hard stuff, so I shouldn’t have to deal with any more.  I lost an eye in a childhood accident.  I was widowed at the age of 39 and raised four children by myself.  But I worked my way to a lucrative career and we thrived.  Nothing kept me down.  Now, surely, this was my time of reward for surviving all those struggles.

Well, as we all know, life does not work like that.  There is no cosmic balance sheet of adversity vs. good fortune.  It was just my time to face another bad thing.  But I didn’t want to, damn it!

The disease progressed and I started a downward spiral.  My high powered career and life began to crumble.  Loss mounted upon loss.  And I was consumed by bitterness and anger.

Devastated by my deterioration, I became virtually homebound.  Everything I loved was slipping away.

Full of resentment, I was tired of picking myself up.  But so many sources were sending me the same message: pray.  And if you can’t pray, just say “Give me strength” over and over.  To not make the effort seemed like a slap in the face to all the people who love me and give me credit for being braver than I really am.  I knew I had to choose to pick myself up once again.

Marriage Identity

When we were planning our wedding, Jamie and I talked about names. I started from the assumption that she would be taking mine; she started from the assumption that we would make that decision together.

So I told her that I had always believed my wife would take my name, that it seemed natural. That I would feel awkward otherwise. She talked about giving up that part of her identity and I pretended like I understood. I waxed on about starting a new family and how we would want to have the same name.

Here is the thing, though. On a really fundamental level the person that wants to have a conversation is always correct. She knew I was being an asshole (I can cuss here, right? I waffled on the terminology but I was a real dick about the name thing) but instead of getting angry she kept talking to me, and I got it through my head that just because something is socially common doesn’t mean it’s not a burden.

We picked a new name, for our new family, and that’s how we became the Edwards.

ps i’m not telling you how to live your life but if you’re going to do this get his name changed before the wedding so it’s free to change hers after, otherwise changing names is hundreds of dollars

pps i’m seriously not defending my behavior through that process, I’m still a little ashamed of my baseline assumption, but I figured it’s worth acknowledging because I guarantee a lot of decent people have struggled with that, feel free to comment with whatever thoughts you have on the subject!

Harsh, But Something to Think About

I am not asking my question rhetorically.  My sister-in-law is a nurse at a hospital. This was the topic of discussion recently.

A “code” is an emergency that sends a large team of doctors, nurses, technicians and others to a patient who is unresponsive, not breathing, or pulseless.  It is a frenzy of activity.  Unless a designated representative of the patient says otherwise, the team springs into action and determines whether to begin CPR.  The process involves much more than pounding on a chest for a minute, and that by itself can be violent.  Ribs are broken, and the patient rocks from side to side from the force required.  Orders are yelled across the room.  And if the patient does not begin breathing spontaneously soon, they may put a tube down his trachea and connect him to a machine that will breathe for him.

On television, the survival rate when something like this happens is close to 50%. In reality, a patient whose heart stops has about a 15% chance of surviving to leave the hospital.  Survival does not guarantee quality of life.  There may be brain damage or other problems.  This being said, an attempt at resuscitation is appropriate for many people–and for many others, it is not.

Your current state of health, age, and other factors affect your chances for a good recovery.  Depending on how things go, breathing machines, surgeries, loss of functional capacity, or rehabilitation may follow.  Think about this decision and discuss it with your family before you are hospitalized.  Ask your doctor if you need help. “Five Wishes” is a good place to start.

A little message about Meat

I find I have a few things I often admonish people about, and I’ll share one now.

On the weekends, run a small take-out BBQ. This particular job involves lots of prep work and any needed welding and fabrication to keep things in good shape. Now, as stated before, my intention is to lecture the world about something. This isn’t something terribly life changing, but if you eat meat, you should know this. Use a meat thermometer!

People regularly ask me questions about cooking, and when they do I usually ask them a few questions myself. One thing I find is that most people rely on some primal instinct to determine whether their meal is ready. The usual outcome is that otherwise delicious cuts of meat get overdone. There is an easier way. For about $10 you can have a tool that will tell you exactly when your food is done, every time. No more relying on some formula or a pop-out button to determine if that turkey is done, folks. Stick a thermometer in there! If the center is up to 170º, it’s done, otherwise, it’s not. No poking, prodding, test cuts, or other guesswork. A thermometer is certainly the cook’s best friend. (Tip: don’t cut that turkey right away. Cover and let cool for 10-15 minutes)

It was almost his last…

A close friend of mine this week had a heart attack.

He’s 21.

By a miracle, someone was close by who administered CPR, and he’s undergone cold therapy, and there appears to be no neurological damage. He’s awake and lucid, though he doesn’t remember that we had dinner together a few days before the event. He doesn’t remember what happened, he doesn’t remember feeling any pain. He just wasn’t, for a while.

This has been an intense reminder that everything that I am and anything I care about could evaporate at any time, with no warning.

Make every day the best day of your life.

Dream Bigger

Have the courage of doing what you really love even if you are afraid, just do it! After 4 years of studying Medicine, just because my family told me to do it, I quit and decided to study Industrial Design. It was the career I’ve always wanted to do but was too afraid of what might happen, even to give it a try. Now I’m full of excitement and happiness and have zero regrets of taking a chance to do what I really wanted and not doing what some others expected me to do. I guess what i’m trying to say is follow your dreams and whatever makes you happy. Dream big and live bigger.

Thanks to a Stranger

When I was a young boy my parents took my brother and I on a trip to Sydney.   We went to the Zoo, and the Powerhouse Museum (absolutely fantastic for a young kid into technology and science like I was and am), and many many other places.  Most importantly, we were spending time as a family.  I look back on the trip with the absolute fondness of memories.  And with a little regret.

Not about the trip, no, let me explain.  We were heading back to the hotel after a long days adventuring.  My brother and I could be a little bit (ok, a lotta bit) of a handful when we were young, and this particular day was no different; So you can understand why when the train arrived at the station, I just stepped on.  Or rather, into the gap between the platform and the train. (That’s not me in the picture, but that’s basically what happened)

I don’t remember much about it; what I do remember is falling, and in the same instant a fist grabbing my t-shirt from behind and pushing me up onto the train.  My ankle and knee was sore and my eyes were filling with tears as Mum snatched me up and took me to seat.  Dad was shaking the hand of the man who had saved, at the very least, my leg.

I remember laying on the hotel bed watching cartoons as Dad iced my leg.

My regret is never being able to thank that man for saving my life; or at the very least, saving my leg.

So, Thank You, Stranger!

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